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Awkward Ballads For The Easily Pleased

by Tom Milsom

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Sven B. Schreiber (sbs)
Sven B. Schreiber (sbs) thumbnail
Sven B. Schreiber (sbs) "Awkward Ballads For The Easily Pleased" - this title is so great that I thought the entire album must be a killer... and it really is! Actually, this collection of weird songs is close to perfect, making it hard to believe that it's a debut album. It's not only that the way Tom Milsom crafts his songs is of a class that I'd expect from a singer-songwriter with at least 10 years of experience - but also the awesome quality of his lyrics contributes to an ongoing "WOW effect". Those witty stories about real life and all of its hopes and fears, twists and turns, expectations and disappointments, are sometimes funny, sometimes melancholic, but all of the time nicely tongue-in-cheek. They always manage to make me smile and think: "Well, that's an odd way to put it - but heck, that's how it is!" Favorite track: A song about a person on a train.
ELS
ELS thumbnail
ELS where can I actually buy bits of fence tho Favorite track: Catsongs II (Livia deliberated).
Steven Marshall
Steven Marshall thumbnail
Steven Marshall A little more homespun than "painfully mainstream", but definitely worth a listen. Favorite track: Internet love song.
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1.
Seafood 03:02
I've never eaten a lobster Because I've seen them in their prime Sitting in a tank beside the doorway And if they could see it your way They would probably start to cry And the salt water from their tears Would wash away all of their fears As they'd remember all the years They'd spent so happy in the wild. And then one day the big men came To make them play a fishy game Of russian roulette for crustaceans Twenty lobsters, seven nations, Waiting for the sweaty clientele To pick them out for boiling water hell. I've never eaten a lobster, Not that I haven't had the opportunity. other food is so guilt free But in this case the killer's me And while they're sitting on your plate Regrets would come, but it's too late And seafood's such a very tricky dish And nothing's more emotional than fish. Other food is so guilt free But in this case the killer's me And while they're sitting on your plate Regrets would come, but it's too late And seafood's such a very tricky dish And nothing's more emotional than fish. Oh, nothing's more emotional than fish.
2.
Uncertainty 02:08
Now I know I'm not the sort Of guy who'll sit and talk 'bout sport It's true. And I know it seems unplanned With my piano/ukulele (delete as appropriate) here at hand But I've got something I want to ask you. And if I had a pound for every Time you turned me down I'd have one pound fifty In my bank account right now the world can see, we're not that different you and me so let's get together, show the world how different we can be Oh, oh, oh. And I know that in the past, You're answer's no when I have asked But still Hope springs eternal That one day you'll feel maternal And there's a hole within your soul that I can fill. So I'll ask again If you will go out with me Even though I know deep down What the answer's gonna be my girl until we die, If I kill a man, be my alibi, But please just let me know, Tell me yes or no, Oh, oh, oh.
3.
Your imperfections make you beautiful In ways that only you could be. The world moves on but you stand still You say there's always time to kill When there's a thousand pretty things to see. Your imperfections make you beautiful In ways that only I can see. I love you more than words can say But you keep pushing me away for Somebody who loves you less than me. His imperfections make him beautiful to you Each sorrow puts him deeper in your heart And every time he almost dies I die a little more inside As you and I drift slowly more apart. Your imperfections make you beautiful In ways that only you could be And it turns out that my biggest imperfection Was dreaming all the time of you and me.
4.
I want to know why Things you say about Tories and trains just pass by, Every word that you say, Cats with captions and train alterations, each day There's a new little something of interest, Shared with me in the best way that you can. Shining wit, and a passion for irony, See the absurd in a national tragedy. One and the same in our own different way. We'll hit the big time and set a new low in the same day. And we'll be the men that we wanted to be, Our own Wright, Frost and Pegg but much better you see, And I know this is true, Yes I know this is true, Cause we made a film. Working hard through the night, Fed on laughter and cola, sit bathed in the light Of your Macintosh screen Picking out the best bits of the things that we've seen. There's so many adventures we've had And not one of them bad for the lives that we lead Achieving the goals that we set as we go And I'll never say no, I will never say no to one more. One and the same in our own different way. We'll hit the big time and set a new low in the same day. And like blood and ice cream poured into a bowl Oh, it doesn't seem right but just somehow we go, And I know this is true, Yes I know this is true, Cause we made a film.
5.
Please please don't go, Please, please please don't go Circumflex underscore circumflex I love you so. Please don't block me, Please don't go offline. I wanna be with you all the time. BRB, OMG, LOL. ROFLMAO. BRB, OMG, LOL ROFLMAO. We'll pour our hearts out on the screen One line at a time And I'll try to figure how to Make you mine, So please, please, please don't go, Please, please don't go, Though it's close to midnight And the conversation's getting slow, No don't invite your friends I don't want this moment here to end. BRB, OMG, LOL, ROFLMAO. Explanations BRB - be Right Back OMG - Oh My God LOL - Laughing Out Loud ROFLMAO - Rolling On Floor Laughing My Ass Off
6.
Lived your life in fur and whiskers Fourteen years on four small paws, Ate the heads and left the bodies Of the victims of your claws. I poked you and you scratched me, Each claw like a tiny knife, And through it all I shared with you Some of the best times in my life, Last year dead, Year before alive. This year, still dead. Sad. Your indifference to that puppy Selling bog roll on the telly Made me love you, so I didn't care That your breath was smelly. Your little kidneys couldn't handle it no more, Not unlike pope John Paul II but he had fewer paws. You were not that religious, also unlike pope John Paul. And he lived in the Vatican, but you had never been there at all. Last year dead, Year before alive. This year, still dead. Sad. Last year dead, Year before alive. This year, still dead. Sad.
7.
Don't you want to be the one To tell him, oh why can't you see The only people that you're Hurting here are you and me, We'll be together once again Just one big happy family Minus the cat. Oh I don't believe I'm Hearing this, just don't be such a twat. He was just fine when his Granddad died, he'll live without the cat. He's old enough to understand That dying is a natural Part of life. We've talked about the birds and bees So why ya hiding this from me? It's plain to me why can't you see I don't need any therapy for this. This could be unnecessary Pain and quite a lot of nasty Strain upon his brain and you know How expensive therapy can Be for just one session nowadays And just for dealing with a Phase that he'll grow out of in a Couple of years, it's true. We've talked about the birds and bees So why ya hiding this from me? It's plain to me why can't you see I don't need any therapy for this. We've talked about the birds and bees. So why ya hiding this from me? It's not like I mind. I mean, come on. I'd figure it out someday. Verse 1 - 2 and 3 - 4 repeat and fade.
8.
Sitting in the kitchen Watching TV Don't know why I wasn't in the living room. It just seemed appealing at the time. I sat there eating a box Of corn flakes to myself When out the corner of my eye I saw something moving there, And then I realised That it was Livia. She said 'Meow. Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow. Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow, Meow meow meow, meow meow meow. Meow, meow meow meow meow.' Sitting in the kitchen talking to Livia, Said 'I'm getting over you. I miss my granddad but I'm getting over him too.' She said 'meow meow' then 'meow meow meow' with a sigh And for the last time said good bye.
9.
Genetics 02:07
I knew our plan was doomed Right from the start. The human body's made of More than just a heart And though it seemed We'd be together for eternity That's a long long way away From how it seems to be to me, It isn't right that we should fight About the way we fit together. Just another complication That is standing in our way And you know I love you so And even though we'll make a monster It's a beautiful disaster that's too Terrible to simply throw away. Our arteries are red And our veins remain blue But even so our damaged Blood trickles through It's true that all Our relatives died From the blood that Trickled round their inside And so far we've lived our lives Thinking everything was fine Not thinking of the trouble Borne inside us at the time And now we've come to find the sum Is greater than the parts that make it This hereditary sorrow was Kept quite through the years All the grief and the relief Our parents felt when we were healthy Newborn babies we don't get Because genetics is a science made of tears.
10.
You told me sieze the day And then I really thought you cared And I tried to face my fears But then I just got really scared And even the fluffiest of silver clouds Are made of freezing wetness And you tell me life's a bitch But I don't think you really get this And I wish that I'd not let you in any more And I wish that I'd been a bit fussier about the kind of people I let through the door If I'd hesitated, I might have been fated To life my own life without you. I never really meant to share achronologically The little things that made me me I never thought I'd have to Quantify them day by day I never really felt the need to take my two or three Neuroses then talk openly About them and then brutally Dissect them on a tray, And I'm glad that you're not telling me what to do And I wish that I'd not spent the time illuminating up the past with little tales of who Had nurtured me naturally from the womb Through to now, my own life, without you. You told me sieze the day And then I really thought you cared And I tried to face my fears But then I just got really scared And even the fluffiest of silver clouds Are made of freezing wetness And you tell me life's a bitch But I don't think you really get this And I wish that I'd not let you in any more And I wish that I'd been a bit fussier about the kind of people I let through the door If I'd hesitated, I might have been fated To life my own life without you.
11.
Last week I ran downtown To see you and tell you I loved you. But just before I reached your door I stopped and looked above to Pray to anyone who'd hear me Getting the pluck To wish myself luck and say You're the reason to my rhyme And it's a shame, no it's a crime That I've not told you that I love you Cause I've never found the time, You're my happiness and sadness, You're the method to my madness. Nobody I'd rather be with, Nobody I'd ever be with. And through your bedroom window I saw you and you saw me. The young man lying on your bed Was right where I could clearly See him telling you what I had Wanted to say, from the Very first day we met. You're the reason to my rhyme And it's a shame, no it's a crime That I've not told you that I love you Cause I've never found the time, You're my happiness and sadness, You're the method to my madness. Nobody I'd rather be with, Nobody I'd ever be with. So two days passed and then at last I thought I'd try and ring you. And see if you were free, then maybe we Could go to town and Get some food and see a film you wanted to see And then afterwards we'd go home. You said that sounded great, But you'd a date with that youung man who I had seen previously The time I had come round to see you. And I don't think I can hold this in any more So I'm sorry if I bore you to death, But you're the reason to my rhyme And it's a shame, no it's a crime That I've not told you that I love you Cause I've never found the time, You're my happiness and sadness, You're the method to my madness. Nobody I'd rather be with, Nobody I'd ever, You're the reason to my rhyme And it's a shame, no it's a crime That I've not told you that I love you Cause I've never found the time, You're my happiness and sadness, You're the method to my madness. Nobody I'd rather be with, Nobody I'd ever be with.
12.
The most pretty human being In the city was just sitting Next to me on the train today. And I stared at them so long I thought there must be something wrong within the world for me to not get them today And my silent pleas to God For them to not get off the train When next it stopped were quickly dropped For wishing they'd get on again, The doors would close upon my heart, And then the train would start to start Upon its way. And sitting on the train I knew I'd never see my love again. The most pretty human being in the world Had left the train a while ago And with their headphones on They'd never hear me say 'what's wrong Is that we're not together you and me', Although I said it silently, And I wish there'd been delays While we were still within the city So that I'd have had more time Admiring everything that's pretty about you, Even though you wouldn't want me to. Even though you wouldn't want me to.
13.
I'm sitting here in hope that I Can get some peace of mind, And I'm hoping that the paint fumes Will provide me with the time To think about how I will go And turn this house into a home For all of us. I painted it on monday and It's drying still today. And off the walls but on my mind's That horrible wallpaper That was pasted on the walls And made the room feel rather small And dark and sad. So I laid down the paper and Picked up my brushes to start. Painting over this old home To make it feel like it's my own But desperate not to be alone Cause this home needs a heart And I'm watching the paint dry on the walls And every time I think I hear The sound of someone coming near I turn to see who's there and there is Never anybody there at all. Yesterday the room was grey But now it's kinda blue. It makes the room feel larger It's an incandescent hue That makes me think of electricity And people living in the city below. I worked the first half of my life To spend the second in this place, And I'm only just discovering Part of the human race that's looking Round for someone they would like to Spend the days and maybe nights to Fall in love with one another Settle down, become a mother, And I'm watching the paint dry on the walls, Staring blankly to the ether Wondering if I could even Be the man that somebody would Like to give their all, and I'm Watching the paint dry on the walls And I'll wait for opportunity to call.

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released February 1, 2008

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